KLEM

Now ol' Klem iz ah fifth generation Florida Krackah who growed up in the Boondocks outside of Brooksville. He has a dawg named "Spit", lives alone, never married (he's just too damn ugly to attract ah lady) and luuuuuuvs to fish 'n hunt. He has ah compost business at his home close to where he growed up....it's just like ol' Klem to make money off garbage from his garden 'n tree trimin's.
One thing that sets him apart from most fellers is his big as all hell hooterz. If he wasn't so ugly he could almost pass as a woman long as he shaved real close....ah raunchy lookin' woman I might add. Them jugs were the cause of many ah bar fight, believe me, and Klem has the scars to prove it. One dumb-ass fucker whose wife ran off with the garbage man wanted Klem to breast feed his new born baby, no shit! It took a minute or two before Klem realized there was no milk comin' out. Maaaaan, the boys down at the saloon will never let Klem forget about that one!
But in spite of his way below average intelligence he had ah keen ass interest in Al Einstein, ya know that fellah who wrote all that weird shit about space? Klem loves to get stinkin' drunk on cheap wine 'n read books about Al's crazy ideas. The strange thing wuz that he understands all of it. That was proven once when ah snotty college boy moved to the area fer the summer 'n bought some compost from Klem. Well they got to talkin' 'bout this 'n that, shootin' the shit, when Klem asked him if he heard of Al Einstein. The boy said (in pompous English accent) "IIIII'm studying fizzicks at the University of Grainesville, so what do YOU think? And I might add his name is Albert, not Al". Well Klem got ah bit flustered at this 'n started rattlin' off all kinda Al's shit 'bout time bein' stretched, light bendin', 'splodin' universes, E equalin' em see square...... Klem was on ah roll soundin' like ah college professor. Well THAT sent that smart ass boy just ah runnin' back ta school to do a lot more learnin'.

One day Klem went out ah fishin' with his dawg Spit to Mudcat Pond down by Ol Willow Road.
For those who is Captain Beefheart fans ya may be interested in knowin' that the pond and road got their names from one of his songs called "The Spotlight Kid". Klem named 'em his-self after hearing the song on the underground music station from Grainesville.
The County Commissioner is one of Klem's customers so Klem suggested the names to em and the Commissioner liked it and used it. Anyways, as ah was ah sayin', he went fishin' in his little boat with Spit tryin' to snag anythin' that was ah bitin'. All sudden his boat sprang a big leak and sank real quick....he didn't have time to git out so he 'n Spit both sank to the bottom cause they both had seatbelts on (and don't ask me why). But Klem could breath underwater 'cause he never ferget how ta do it since he was a baby in his mama's stomach.
So Spit just sat there with him at the bottom of Mudcat Pond holdin' his breath while Klem went on ah fishin'. He snatched 5 bass, 3 eels and 2 crawdaddies bare-handed b'fore Spit started whinin' wantin' to go git some air. After they got ta shore Klem noticed that Spit had in his mouth the biggest fuckin' fish he had ever seen come out that pond....t'was a catfish of course.
By the time Klem grabbed his fish bucket Spit done ate the whole catfish whiskers and all. That dawg could eat just about anything. When Klem went out of town once he accidently locked Spit up in the tool shed. When he returned hours later he searched fer Spit and finally found him still in the shed sittin' next to ah empty box that once was filled with rusty 60 penny nails. That crazy dawg ate all of them damn things and was fartin' out rust fer the next two days with no shit, no shit. Klem thinks Spit has some great white shark mixed in 'm among 'bout a 1000 other dawg breeds.